I love creativity. I scoot on the carpet over out-of-the-box thinking. But some boxes were never meant to be crawled out of for the safety and wellbeing of the universe as we know it.

A crochet breakfast? Sure, it’s cute. I have no problems.

A knitted peacock hat / gas mask combo? Sweetie, drugs are illegal and do bad things to your brain.

How about a hamburger dress? This burger is going straight to my hips!

A cashmere donut necklace anyone? A must-have when attending the Policeman’s Ball.

And finally, the bacon and egg jellyfish. It’s a bacon and egg jellyfish. Need I say more?

It’s time to do your part. NHS Leeds (formally known as Leeds Primary Care Trust) in the United Kingdom is facing a problem of Size D proportions. They need imitation breasts to assist teaching expectant mothers how to express milk. Due to the enormous expense of simulated latex breasts, and the lack of realism that balloons and elbows give, health officials are requesting the knitting (and crochet) community to create breasts in all shapes, sizes and colors for their classes. There are no comments if pierced nipples are an option. But I would assume not since there is a high risk of the ring chipping the baby’s teeth. Maybe a teething ring would work.

The NHS website has a free pattern from the Lactation Consultants of Great Britain. You can download the pattern here. Though they don’t have a crochet pattern listed, I was able to locate one here. If you end up finding or creating other patterns, please comment and let us know about it. Remember that they need a variety of shapes and sizes. Sally Mills from Leeds Primary Care states, “It is good to have a variety of shapes and sizes, just as women do (very flat, very small/large, inverted, etc).” Now I’m no breast expert by any means, but how does one have an inverted breast?

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We all get good ideas for unique crochet projects, and most of us know when those good ideas take a left at atrocious and run the stop sign going toward hideous. Much like American Idol contestant hopefuls whose friends have failed to mention to them that their singing sounds worse than a mating Mongolian yak with a bowel obstruction; many ambitious crocheters should have had their hooks taken away many skeins ago.

Luckily for the rest of us there is a fantastically hilarious place to explore the crochet short bus. What Not to Crochet is a snarky look at crochet with “a great personality.” Somewhat in the Threadbaredesque style (<sigh> we miss you Threadbared), it’s a great diversion from good taste.

And for our knitting brothas and sistas there is What Not to Knit; proving that bad taste crosses all fiber boundaries.

I started to learn to knit…until I watched this. I laughed all the way back to crochet.